Sigrid Style

Politics vs. People

Posted by Sigrid Olsen on February 12, 2012 0 Comments

 Last week I found myself in the middle of a politic battle completely by surprise. I have strong ethical and political views, but I keep them mostly to myself because I find that preaching one's beliefs often is polarizing and I am looking to unite people. So when I first was asked to be the keynote speaker at the Susan G Komen annual luncheon in Sarasota, I was honored. I saw it as an opportunity to share my personal story and philosophy of hope and gratitude with the hundreds of guests that planned to attend. Then the world exploded with the news of SGK's defunding of Planned Parenthood and I was immediately faced with a dilemma. I never hesitated to fulfill my promise to speak, but I admit I felt conflicted. I had "friends" who fervently criticized SGK and intended to make me feel shame about my connection with the organization, and all around me  supporters were dropping like flies. But then I thought...if I don't speak who will suffer...sure I will be making a point, but I wanted to touch the hearts and souls of the audience, so I chose to speak and I am glad that I did. I took the stage minutes after the "reversal" was announced, so the tension lifted somewhat and I was moved by the survivors highlighted in the large crowd. For those who are interested...here is the transcript of my speech:

First of all, I want to thank you for inviting me to speak today. I am new to the Sarasota community and instantly feel like part of something much larger than myself. I look around and see so many faces...a few of you I know, many I don't but we are a congregation of human beings with a common concern...curing a disease that has touched each of us in some way. So many women (and men) -- many right here in this room, and some sadly not with us today--have suffered, succumbed and prevailed in the face of breast cancer. 
I consider it an honor to be standing here in front of you. 
I am one of the lucky ones. Whenever I tell my story, I feel as though my experience pales in comparison to others I have heard and witnessed. I feel I got by easy. Everyone's story is unique and personal, but there is a common bond of humanity that knits our experiences and makes us united.
No one goes through the experience of having cancer and emerges the same as they were before it. In my case it served to make me both stronger and more vulnerable. Through my vulnerability I learned compassion. I also learned to ask for help and was blessed to have it...my husband, my family and close friends were there for me..unobtrusively, thoughtfully and completely.  I am grateful not just to have survived, but in some ways just to have had the experience. Honestly.
I know that sounds unlikely. But being a breast cancer survivor has become an essential part of the fabric of who I am... and I am thankful for that. 
In my past life I was a fashion designer with a very demanding career, two children and not much time for myself. My diagnosis came during a particularly hectic design season in October of 2004. Funny...I say "diagnosis" like it happened all at once. But in reality it was a long drawn out process that took months to unfold. Most of you who have traveled this road know what I mean. First, it is the "questionable" mammogram. Then the follow-up mammogram, that leads to the ultra-sound which is also inconclusive. Oh and three afternoons away from work. And dressing, undressing, waiting, more waiting...getting literally poked and prodded and having waaay too much attention being paid to a part of your body that used to be fun and even useful in the past. You know the feeling, Im sure.
I was and still am a very busy lady and had put off getting a mammogram for too many years before the fateful day I received the news that something was wrong. That was my first mistake...but fortunately I still was at stage zero (DCIS) and no real harm was done...we caught it early. My life was never really in immediate danger. So after the x-rays, the ultra-sound, the MRI and then 2 lumpectomies I still was faced with having to choose a mastectomy. No matter how casual I sound now, the first time you hear the "m" word it goes through you like a shot. I recall going back to a design meeting after taking the call in my office, stunned and completely distracted. I felt like a woman in a stupor. But I was well-practiced at putting things on the back burner and before long I just became absorbed in the moment and postponed thinking about it until I got home. Then I probably collapsed and unraveled in the safety of my own four walls.
I know that having great medical care is important. It took me a little while to find the right combination of doctors. I live ( now just in the summertime) in Gloucester Massachusetts and my initial diagnosis and followup took place in Boston, about an hour from my home--if traffic was merciful. As I shuttled from clinic, to hospital to doctor's office, I tried in vain to keep my equilibrium and sense of self. I did not want to become a simple statistic, a number on a chart. Slowly I began to sense that was exactly what I had become. The decision-making was a really hard process even for me who makes snap decisions at the drop of a hat, based on gut instinct. (Like signing a lease on a gallery in Burns Court and moving to Sarasota pretty much on a whim). My husband Curtis and I went to appointments together, the most notable of which was with a plastic surgeon in Brookline who made me feel:
a. stupid for asking questions
b. inexperienced for never having had a mastectomy before
c. vain for caring what I would look like afterwards
I recall feeling pretty defeated after that appointment, but then determined to find a better option.
I decided I need to do more research and get a "second opinion". So I enlisted the help of friends, even saw a therapist to talk through my feelings and eventually was steered towards a team of doctors right in my back yard. It turns out Salem Hospital, 20 minutes from my home was excellent and my doctors were amazing. The surgery was long... 9 hours, but the beauty of it was that the mastectomy and reconstruction took place as one event, so when I awakened from anesthesia the deed was done. I knew very well what was at stake so my first words as I came to thick with nausea were: " and the lymph nodes?" ...AOK. Thank goodness. So I went right back to sleep and stayed there for the next 15 hours.
The other remarkable thing about this hospital was that they embraced alternative healing practices. Not only did they allow a Reiki therapist to work on me just before surgery and then immediately after right in the recovery room, but they billed me for it right through the hospital. I believe that this was one of the factors that helped me recover so quickly. And gave me hope that things are changing in the field of Western medicine.
My plastic surgeon was (and is) extraordinary. She studied to be an artist until she decided to make a right turn into medicine, bringing her keen eye and delicate motor skills to the field of plastic surgery with a specialty in breast reconstruction. So our appointments were all about how she would reshape my figure and construct the "seams" of my new topography. She showed me pictures and looked me straight in the eye when we talked. She answered dozens of questions with patience and keen intelligence. As it turned out, I healed beautifully and got the breast reduction and uplift I had secretly wanted for years. And now, almost 7 years later I am free of cancer and healthier than ever. AND she has become one of my closest friends.
I was oddly happy in the weeks leading up to my surgery. Instinctively I knew that this respite was something I desperately needed. I was never afraid. Why? I have no idea...I guess because I felt I was in good hands, I had been reassured that the cancer was very early stage, and I guess I just had faith. Strangely it felt perfectly natural. 
Little did I know that this leave of absence was a precursor to my permanent leave that occurred 3 years later when my company closed. But thats another story! At that time I was on the go constantly and I unknowingly had set the ridiculous pace that was now expected of me. I would never have slowed down if I hadn't been forced to.Today I see several situations in my life that underscore this same theme: My spirit needs one thing and my personality insists on another and in the end circumstances prevail and I am compelled to try another route. Reality always catches up.
The change of pace inevitably came. My first couple of weeks at home recovering were spent gently existing...just BEing. For once in my life I didn't have to do anything and didn't feel compelled to accomplish anything except get better which my body had to do on its own. No amount of forcing or cajoling would change the fact that I needed to rest. But it wasn't hard to do that. I am one of those people who does not tolerate Anesthesia very well. In fact, it kicks my butt. Every single time. It took me longer to recover from that than I expected. I was somewhat dazed and exhausted for the better part of a week. While I was uncomfortable ( my friends remind me I would enter a room bent over in a pathetic posture protecting my injured chest) I managed the pain by taking extra strength tylenol and lying down for days. I cannot take anything stronger because I get severely nauseous and dizzy from pain killers. I didn't have the strength to read, and zero interest in TV...the most entertainment I required was listening to the birds outside my bedroom window or warming myself in the sun outside on my deck.
I found the lack of stimuli to be very Zen. I kind of loved it! Hours drifted by and I noticed beautiful small things...the shadow of a birds wing across my second floor window, or the changing course of the sun as the day went from morning to evening and the light changed color from my vantage point upstairs. Subtleties that I would have surely missed as I rushed about my normal days. As we all surely miss every day.
Medically I was very lucky. The size, type and location of my cancer enabled me to get by with no further treatment...no chemo, no radiation, no drugs of any sort. To me, surgery is the easy part...to have any foreign substance in my body systemically would have been much harder to deal with. This is why I say I had it easy. I give a modest bow to all of you who have endured more.
Once I started to feel better I made some moves that I am happy for to this day. First, I had lunch with friends. During the day! Unless you have worked 10 hour days for 20 years you don't know what a revelation this is! I reconnected with people who had meant so much to me, but I had seen a handful of times in recent years because I was working all the time. Life in Sarasota is rich with just this type of socialization, so I am always happy now! Second, I started to paint again. Just mixing colors and feeling the brushstrokes was healing for me. OK...I admit my inner "alpha" got the better of me and before my leave was up I had painted a collection of work and had an opening in my new gallery that we had just set up in our summer cottage in Gloucester. All the pieces had uplifting messages and bright colors that expressed my newfound peace of mind and happiness. That was the beginning of my personal journey that marked the first foray away from my identity as a fashion designer. And third, when the doctor gave me the all-clear, I headed to the gym and hooked up with the best personal trainer I could hope for. I told her my condition and she developed a Pilates routine for me to rebuild my strength and range of motion. She now has made it her protocol for recovering mastectomy clients and we even got written up in Pilates Style magazine back in 2006. She has also become a close friend. That lead me back to yoga which is now an integral and essential part of my life.
People who know me well know I prefer to be happy no matter what. I work hard at it. I don't like to dwell on the negative. I try to find the silver lining in ever case..and if not that then  I look for the lesson to be learned. 
This experience gave me plenty in that department. Lessons were everywhere and it gave me so much to be thankful for.
Every situation offers plusses and minuses...
..In the plus column:
--I learned very quickly who my true friends are...and they are many.
--I learned how to ask for help and not be ashamed to receive it.
--I gained 2 amazing new friends ( surgeon, trainer) and have such respect for these women who work hard and give so much.
--My priorities quickly shuffled into place. Things that used to be so important became less urgent and my health, my peace of mind, my family and friendships now take top priority in my life.
Today I am here a changed woman. I am living the life I have chosen...not one that has chosen me. I am surrounded by interesting, funny, curious, creative people who enrich my life immensely. I am healthy, strong, and at peace ( most of the time!). I see beauty every day. Nature astounds me. New horizons are right around the corner and I can't wait to see whats next!
Thank you.